Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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