If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
