A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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