Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
