I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
