watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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