Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I am available for nakedness
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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