Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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