if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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