The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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