My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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