He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My penis needs a shock collar
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
