There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Apparently you make a good broom.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm at about main and main street
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
