if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just found puke in my bra..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
