As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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