If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize