I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
