I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Randomize