Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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