Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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