Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
