So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
