There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
