sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
