Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
