mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
