i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
