Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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