I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
