we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
