Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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