You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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