you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize