Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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