I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
