you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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