Will you blow on my dice?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
