My first STD was from a foam party
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
