I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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