My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize