You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
