I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
