I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
