Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
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