My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
try to milk me bitch
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