my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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