a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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