seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
