Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
