Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
