Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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