I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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