you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
