I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
